My friend John got a call one evening from the dementia unit. His father had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for several years. John’s father had dressed himself, packed his suitcase, and was now waiting in a visitor’s lounge. The staff had tried to coax him back into his room. Each time he insisted, “They’re coming to take me home.”
When John got there, he sat and talked calmly with his dad for a while. Eventually they walked together back to his room. After the older man fell asleep, John unpacked his dad’s few belongings, thanked the staff, and drove home.
The next evening, John got another call. The dementia unit again. This time, a nurse gave him the news that his father had died.
When John had finished telling me about his father’s death, he said, “I guess deep down he knew. He sensed that he was dying. They were coming to take him home. And he wanted to be ready.”
Paradoxically, being ready for death is the key to living a full, rewarding, and joyful life. I don’t mean that we’re most alive when we’re bracing for our imminent demise. Instead, I’m talking about a habitual spiritual posture that comes with recognizing and embracing this life’s finitude.
Our earthly life comes to an end. Our hearts will someday beat their last. And we won’t be able to take any of our accumulated treasures with us. For some people this leads to the conclusion that you should eat, drink, and be merry while you can. But Jesus offers a different message.
Life is not about accumulating things and chasing pleasure. It’s not about getting applause, exercising power, or enjoying status. Life is about love. And love is about giving your life away.
Mind you, Jesus enjoyed dinner parties and watching sunsets and laughing with friends just as much as the next guy. Actually, more than the next guy. That’s because Jesus understood how to appreciate fleeting things as fleeting things instead of staking his life on them.
Everyone we care about, everything that gives us pleasure, is a gift given to us for a season. One day, we will have to let them go. We will return these people and these things to the one who gave them to us in the first place. Crucially, we will give our very own lives back to the one who gave it to us.
All of life is practice for giving our lives back to God. That is the only kind of life that transcends death, and it requires that we let go.
Honestly, letting go is not especially easy for most of us. On the contrary, it’s probably our chief spiritual challenge. We’re more likely to consume and to accumulate, to cling and to control. That’s why, just before his Passion, Jesus spent time telling his followers that God is writing an ending for all of our stories.
Jesus said that God will make all things right, heal all wounds, dry every tear, and mend every shattered heart. But you see, it’s God’s ending. Not the ending we’ve imagined or insisted upon or ran ourselves ragged trying to achieve.
And so Jesus adds:
If the owner of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into. Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour. (Matthew 24:43-44)
In other words, follow the loving example that Jesus set, even if it seems impractical and makes you look crazy. Just give it your best shot and leave the results up to God. For example:
- Forgive even before you get an apology.
- Give the poor the shirt off your back.
- Feed hungry people. Shelter the homeless. Visit prisoners.
- Fight the impulse to punch back.
- Love the one who hates your guts.
- Worship. Pray. Study the Scriptures.
Being ready is trying to live a Jesus-shaped life. It’s not about worrying that you could die at any moment and face the wrath of your Maker. Neither is it being so pious and morally upright that nobody dares to be vulnerable with you.
Being ready is doing our fumbling best to love God and to love our neighbor in the small things of our daily life and trusting that God will make something good and holy and beautiful through it.
This essay is adapted from my book Looking for God in Messy Places. Click here to grab a copy or ask your local bookseller.
I love this book! Thank you Bishop.
Thank you so much Lorelei!
This is a beautiful reflection and reminder, Jake. It made me think anew about the journey we are on with my dad as his dementia gets worse. Thank you for the reminder of hope!
This hit me hard, too, as my mom has Alzheimer’s, and I feel I’ve already lost the person she was in her personality and intellect when she was “my mom.” Now, she fills her house with fallen leaves, stashing them in drawers and cupboards, because they’re so beautiful. My niece, who is her caregiver, wrote that she wants to make her holidays extra special. In this, the love I feel is greater than the loss, and the loss hits pretty dang hard. Wishing you solace!
I am so grateful that this piece connected you and Michael on your difficult journeys. Blessings friend.
Blessings, my friend! You have been on quite an arduous journey since we’ve come to know each other. And I admire the way you walk. Advent blessings!
My dad was in memory care while my mom was in the nursing care unit after a major stroke. I had to learn pretty quickly to not correct them when their imaginations went to unexpected places.
I lived across the country from them, and I take comfort in remembering that they were delighted when I visited twice year. I learned truly to “shut up and listen.”
Thanks for sharing this glimpse into your life, Steve, and the wisdom you gained from it.
Hi Jake, last night I learned about Romans 5:12 and the east-west difference in dealing with ‘eph ho’ and now I’m like.. well.. to me that makes a big difference! Death came into the world through one man Adam, and life through one man Jesus Christ. Death first, then sin.. not the other way around like I’m used to. And some other bible verses seem to make more sense now. [By all means warn me if I’m on the wrong track but right now I feel like a new wave of understanding is about to flow through every thing I thought I knew!] E.g. In John 5:24 (pt) : “passed from death unto life.” I ‘feel’ those words in a different way, a much more meaningful way.
Translation is so crucial! And challenging! BTW, Greek was my favorite class in seminary. I love to hear how exciting these discoveries are for you
Thanks, Bishop Jake. As one with pancreatic cancer, at 93 and not long to live, I really appreciate this lovely article and have posted it to my Facebook Friends.
Every Blessing on your continuing ministry. Agape, Fr. Ron (ACANZP)
Fr. Ron, I am grateful that we have connected over these many miles through the internet. And I am even more grateful that we will remain forever connected in the communion of saints. Advent blessings my Kiwi friend.
Thank you Jake. It’s such a blessing to read this. It’s a reminder of being thankful for our blessings that God gives us. A safe place to sleep. Food to eat. Others have less. A great example is a picture of an older woman who had been given 2 apples. Please forgive me if I’ve mentioned this before. She was so happy to have the apples. And was offering one to the person taking her picture. Such a blessing to see that lady being so thankful for what she had. God’s peace.
In his baseball memoir “Ball Four,”, former pitcher Jim Bouton (who professed to being a non-believer) wrote something that I have never forgotten even though I read his book more that fifty years ago. Bouton wrote that there are times when you need to apologize even when you don’t think you’ve done anything to apologize for. I have tried to live by that, but had forgotten about it until I read your writing. Thanks!