How to Be Happy

To truly love myself involves loving my neighbor.

You’re not supposed to stand on the top three rungs of a ladder. I did it anyway, even though I recognized at the time what a bad idea it was.

This was a 32-foot extension ladder. Even leaned against a wall at a precariously straight angle, it had not brought me safely within reach of the eaves of the house I was painting. So I had climbed up to the highest rung and stretched as far as I could, fighting the temptation to look down at the concrete patio below.

You might think that this was stupid. Maybe it was. But the truth is that I needed the money. So I did my job with my 22-year-old heart pounding in my chest and sweat pouring from my brow.

Among the various life-lessons I’ve drawn from this experience is that it’s best to admit that sometimes you’re climbing the wrong ladder. And the consequences of climbing the wrong ladder can be very serious.

In the United States we frequently use the image of ladder-climbing to describe the pursuit of individual success. And we tend to equate success with happiness.

We feel compelled to achieve at higher and higher levels and to advance in our careers. Loads of books and articles and motivational speakers assure us that they have the best formula for how to climb our own ladder with speed and confidence.

Fewer voices urge us to consider whether the ladder of individual success is the right ladder to climb. But it’s clear that Jesus is one of them.

Climbing this ladder assumes that my success is undiminished by anyone else’s failure or even that I can get ahead at someone else’s expense. The reason people spend the energy and take the risks to ascend this ladder is that they equate success with happiness. And this is a life-distorting illusion.

Jesus teaches us that the happiness of each is bound up with the happiness of all. When he taught us to love our neighbor as ourselves, Jesus was telling us to recognize a basic fact of our existence. We are all in this together.

My well-being cannot be separated from yours. To truly love myself involves loving my neighbor. All of my neighbors. Whether they look like me, think like me, vote like me, or speak like me.

And so Jesus is challenging us to rethink why we do what we do. Instead of striving to make a better place for ourselves in the world, we can work to make the world a better place for everybody. Take for instance what Jesus says in the Parable of the Talents. (Matthew 25:14–30) It goes like this:

A landowner left town for a while. Before going, he gave three servants each different measures or talents of gold to invest on behalf of his household: five, two, and one respectively.

On his return, the servants with five and two talents handed the landowner a tidy profit. The happy landowner entrusted them with even more responsibility for running the place.

The third servant had buried the gold and simply handed it back to its owner. In response, the landowner kicks him to the curb.

Notice that each of these servants is charged with working for the benefit of the larger household to which they belong. They have not been given gold to pad their own pockets or merely to enrich the only landowner. They’re rewarded with greater responsibility for the well-being of the household.

By contrast, the servant who buried the gold flatly refused to care for those with whom he shared a common life. He did nothing to nurture the well-being of everyone, himself included. His fate—being cast into the outer darkness—reflects the bitter isolation resulting from a life of self-absorption.

Jesus never says that we shouldn’t strive to be happy. He just told us the truth about how to do it. To truly love ourselves, we have to love our neighbor. We’re all in this together. Anytime our love for self excludes love of neighbor, we’re climbing the wrong ladder.

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“Jake Owensby’s A Resurrection-Shaped Life took my breath away—each personal story, each story from the Bible, and each story of our conflicted days proclaims the truly good news that healing, freedom, justice, and joy can be learned by walking the way of Jesus. There are myriad books on following Jesus, but none like this one. Every page sings with intelligence, insight, and inspiration. It made me remember what kind of human I long to be—and why I can’t quit Jesus. Read A Resurrection-Shaped Life and fall in love again with God—and with hope.” —Diana Butler Bass, author of Grateful


  1. Thank you, Bishop. While we scramble up the mountain, we don’t stop and think why or whether we want to be on that mountaintop. I have a friend whose marriage eventually fell apart because he left a satisfying life in the Berkshires to continue up the ladder. The irony is that his company created a mirage that he was moving up while he was actually going sideways. He retired after 35 years and he never reached his goal of becoming a VP.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It was ultimately a happy ending. My friend remarried and his wonderful second wife helped to clarify his vision. This allowed him to go into retirement (still working part time) with a much better outlook.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The Bonhoeffer bio I’m reading quotes a passage from his book Ethics and your post prompted me to return to it – last sentence of quote: “The figure of the Crucified invalidates all thought which takes success for its standard.” Then I recalled what you’d written in your book A Resurrection Shaped Life pg 25 about the preaching of “material wealth and bodily health” and how “This is a peculiar message from a faith tradition whose defining symbol is a cross”. I always look forward to your weekly post; inevitably it prods me into thinking more deeply and making connections. Thanks!


      1. Sun pm NZ: was reading A Resurrection Shaped Life when I came across the Sara Miles story and then on p23, found: [“.. I was baptized … into the crucifixion of the world. And into living, daily redemption.” Like Miles, we are all baptized into solidarity with each other’s suffering and hunger for new life.] And I remembered you’d said something similar to me on your blog so it’s cool to have found my way back to the relevant comment!


        1. ps. ha! epic fail on my part, not spotting the connection in the 1st place and even when I did the penny didn’t drop I’d just been had! Lol, I should have known better.


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